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so i guess fall break is over.
i met ah- at a party hosted by rc-. she was really withdrawn and quiet then, but i sort of expected her to be. a friend of her's died earlier that day, i'm not sure how close the two of them were. she told me later that she was just trying to forget and we helped a bit for that, but she felt bad about not being able to connect with us.
i can barely connect with us. ridge and i are growing apart. he just likes to drink and flirt and smoke. he seems like the same guy i've known for years, but i think i'm changing. i know i need to express myself emotionally and he doesn't really allow for that. he's blunt and apathetic and he's perfectly fine that way; i've asked him. i still love him, i just have a harder time communicating with him.
back to ah-.
we got her high. really, really high. this was her fourth time smoking and i felt like my friends were pushing it on her. i tried to get them to back off, but she was still cool with it, ultimately. we didn't talk much though, we were both pretty out of it. we crashed together on ridge's L-shaped couch, our feet intersecting and touching one another. it was nice to have some human contact. she's adorable.
the next night i hosted a bonfire. i invited her over along with cn- and his girlfriend, rj-, as well as sm-, jj-, and js-. she was hit pretty hard by grief that day and wanted to come, but didn't want to break down in front of us. i urged her to come and share with us, with me, to try and make her feel better. that's how i get off, listening to other's problems, to their suicide attempts and heartbreaks. i like it. it makes me feel human. i don't think she would've shared something so personal so early though, unless i was the one to initiate or invite it.
she eventually came over as we were starting to watch waking life. she seemed better, a little more stable than her texts suggested. we watched the movie then had a decent discussion, which turned into a monologue on her military career. she's fascinating, i don't know how to think about her. i haven't talked to her one-on-one and i'm still a little intimidated. i wish i could talk to her in a personal setting. i didn't really get to speak to her, i think i was a little overbearing too. i hope we meet again. if not, then i'm a little reassured that there are tons of very cool people out there, just waiting to be discovered and befriended.
i don't know if i'm mature enough for a relationship. i don't even know what it is. i'm 19 goddamn years old and i don't know what a relationship is. i want one, though. i want to learn, i want to have someone to talk with who i know will reciprocate openness and who will always have time to cuddle.
i've felt the need to cuddle with everyone lately. sm-, js-, rc-, dc-, ah-, all of them, regardless of gender. it's hard to say to someone: Hey, wanna engage in some completely platonic spooning? is there such a thing as platonic spooning? i hope so. i've been warming up to the idea of... experimenting, too. i don't really find myself attracted to the male body, i just want to hold someone and be close to them. if they have the same reproductive organs as me, well hey, what a coincidence. i don't know. i don't know what that means.
i think i'm just trying too hard to find a significant connection, and that i'm going to be forcing one instead of actually finding one. i care about ah-. i told her. i wanted to help her, to listen to her and either confront her loss or get her mind off it. but i didn't take into account that my brain's broken and she has to assume that i'm just trying to get into her pants via pretending to care about her. maybe i am. lately it feels like everything i do is just a way to manipulate another person to make them closer to me. it doesn't work, though.
this morning i was rewatching a clip of waking life, the part with the red-headed girl who bumps into the protagonist and talks about ants and real human moments. i started to cry. i didn't feel anything too much, just a little pang of loneliness and some confusion as to why i was crying. it just felt like the right thing to do. i feel fine, just drained. i don't want to go back to morris. i want to stay here and send ah- messages about how i really do super care lots and lots about what she's going through and how she should just leap and open up and i'll catch her and we'd eventually just cuddle in a heap, talking intimacies. that's what i want. i don't want to go back to flirting with environmentalists, i have a hard time relating to most of the people in morris. ld- and i talked a bit while hauling a composting bin across a field. she just talked about composting, then asked how i felt about composting. i basically said it was agreeable. is that human closeness? is that a real relationship? is that what's supposed to sustain me? i have to act first, but i don't know where to start with most people. i just have to look for an opening and cram my foot in, barge into their cloistered hearts and crouch on the ground lotus-style with my chin in my palms, looking intently at them and begging, What's your story?
I cut my own hair today in preparation for my modeling job. It felt stupidly liberating. It was a weird realization that I have no commitment to my hair, or to any sort of person that I've ever been. I can lop it off as easily as hair and just leave it in the trash bin.
this week has been nation-wide coming out week. i've been questioning my sexuality a lot this week. i've already mentioned (i think) about the moment where Jc- and I were talking and I had to suppress the urge to just kiss him there. I thought a lot about how gross his goatee would be. i'm not down-right turned on by most male's physiques, but i'm starting to get more attached to the idea of bisexualism. or maybe i'm just really, really desperate. at philosophy club, we were discussing moral luck and there were only three of us: Sp-, G-, and I. Sp-'s a brilliant guy and i really respect him, but i'm not at all attracted to him physically. G- is different. he and i have talked a bit outside of phil. club and we've made a decent connection, for casual friends. i lapsed into a very light fantasy while listening to him speak, he's a damn handsome guy and he makes a great conversation. but. i've never thought like this before. i'm a little tied up in it. i'm not averse to bisexualism, but i don't want to pursue something that i'm doing out of desperation. i think that i'm just have that much of a drive for human closeness, for intimacy, that i'll stop being so selective and seek it anywhere. i've never had a real urge like that until lately, though. i think i need to develop my sexuality with females first, though, and see how that works there. i think i'd just hurt myself and shame myself if i pursued a homosexual relationship first, like i just settled without adventuring in the conventional realm of sex.
that's a really presumptious paragraph.
eh. cell bio test tomorrow, then a weekend of fingerpainting with old friends. i miss my hair. my head's cold and i never realized how small it is. everyone tells me i look like a brand new person. i think i do too.
this week has been nation-wide coming out week. i've been questioning my sexuality a lot this week. i've already mentioned (i think) about the moment where Jc- and I were talking and I had to suppress the urge to just kiss him there. I thought a lot about how gross his goatee would be. i'm not down-right turned on by most male's physiques, but i'm starting to get more attached to the idea of bisexualism. or maybe i'm just really, really desperate. at philosophy club, we were discussing moral luck and there were only three of us: Sp-, G-, and I. Sp-'s a brilliant guy and i really respect him, but i'm not at all attracted to him physically. G- is different. he and i have talked a bit outside of phil. club and we've made a decent connection, for casual friends. i lapsed into a very light fantasy while listening to him speak, he's a damn handsome guy and he makes a great conversation. but. i've never thought like this before. i'm a little tied up in it. i'm not averse to bisexualism, but i don't want to pursue something that i'm doing out of desperation. i think that i'm just have that much of a drive for human closeness, for intimacy, that i'll stop being so selective and seek it anywhere. i've never had a real urge like that until lately, though. i think i need to develop my sexuality with females first, though, and see how that works there. i think i'd just hurt myself and shame myself if i pursued a homosexual relationship first, like i just settled without adventuring in the conventional realm of sex.
that's a really presumptious paragraph.
eh. cell bio test tomorrow, then a weekend of fingerpainting with old friends. i miss my hair. my head's cold and i never realized how small it is. everyone tells me i look like a brand new person. i think i do too.
D- tried to kill himself on Monday. A complex situation with Nj- and him, he felt she used him and he just couldn't take it. He tried drowning himself, saying to me last night that he thought his asthma was bad enough to finish it quickly. Nj- came to the Doomtree concert last night after I told her to come, jokingly. She did, then D- called me and described how she more or less completely betrayed him and to "watch out" for her.
I completely sympathize with D-, but honestly, I'm having a hard time believing he was really committed to ending it all. I feel like a huge ass saying that, you can never tell how serious someone is with a suicidal intention. I might think he was being just melodramatic and trying to guilt her up after what she did, but the issue still hurt enough for him to try it. I shouldn't decry him about it, but it's still lurking in my head.
i confronted Nj- to try and see how she feels about the situation. She's feeling overwhelmed with guilt and can't find a friend left in St. Cloud. She's having a hard time approaching D- about this because she feels like D- will not listen and wants nothing to do with her, but D- told me that he wants to confront her and hash it out, but he thinks she's just a cold-hearted bitch who is just in life to use people, then move on. I told Nj- to make the first move and talk to D-, try and salvage something because what they had was beautiful. She's really impulsive, she told me. She said that one day she'll by falling over with affection for D-, then the next, she'll never want to see him again. That's love. You can't control it, it just flows in and out like a random tide pattern. I told her to read Lolita. I tell everyone to read Lolita. I don't hate her for what she did and I hope D- can forgive her and I hope Nj- can learn to accept D- consistently, not just when she feels like it.
Nj- and I met up with the president of NORML and some guy from my floor last night to find some Bob Hope. We did, then we went off to Rw-'s apartment to get Hopeful. It was a ridiculously good time. I forgot how great Bob Hope can be for stripping away social pretentiousness, I felt like I really got some meaningful conversations with those people, M- especially; i can never tell what he's talking about and it's hard for me to connect with someone who talks so formlessly, but I empathize with his stream-of-consciousness way of speaking and think he's damn cool for doing it. Rw- and I had some good talks about literature and the Great Books of the Western World. I feel like I have to earn her respect and I kind of hate her for it, but she's still a worthwhile person, just a little full of herself. I do respect her, quite a bit.
Eh. Homework day.
I completely sympathize with D-, but honestly, I'm having a hard time believing he was really committed to ending it all. I feel like a huge ass saying that, you can never tell how serious someone is with a suicidal intention. I might think he was being just melodramatic and trying to guilt her up after what she did, but the issue still hurt enough for him to try it. I shouldn't decry him about it, but it's still lurking in my head.
i confronted Nj- to try and see how she feels about the situation. She's feeling overwhelmed with guilt and can't find a friend left in St. Cloud. She's having a hard time approaching D- about this because she feels like D- will not listen and wants nothing to do with her, but D- told me that he wants to confront her and hash it out, but he thinks she's just a cold-hearted bitch who is just in life to use people, then move on. I told Nj- to make the first move and talk to D-, try and salvage something because what they had was beautiful. She's really impulsive, she told me. She said that one day she'll by falling over with affection for D-, then the next, she'll never want to see him again. That's love. You can't control it, it just flows in and out like a random tide pattern. I told her to read Lolita. I tell everyone to read Lolita. I don't hate her for what she did and I hope D- can forgive her and I hope Nj- can learn to accept D- consistently, not just when she feels like it.
Nj- and I met up with the president of NORML and some guy from my floor last night to find some Bob Hope. We did, then we went off to Rw-'s apartment to get Hopeful. It was a ridiculously good time. I forgot how great Bob Hope can be for stripping away social pretentiousness, I felt like I really got some meaningful conversations with those people, M- especially; i can never tell what he's talking about and it's hard for me to connect with someone who talks so formlessly, but I empathize with his stream-of-consciousness way of speaking and think he's damn cool for doing it. Rw- and I had some good talks about literature and the Great Books of the Western World. I feel like I have to earn her respect and I kind of hate her for it, but she's still a worthwhile person, just a little full of herself. I do respect her, quite a bit.
Eh. Homework day.
so i met some girl from pof.com who is also named A-; let's call her Ah-. She's a little batshit, but from what i can tell, she's cool. She knits and is a raw foodist - a vegan who primarily eats only raw vegetables. she friended me on facebook and we've been talking a bit. she has pictures of her in hand-crocheted panties and bras, along with one of her topless, displaying her mosquito bites and covering her breasts with her arms. she's ridiculously attractive and her status updates are full of suitors hitting on her, i'm one more. she's really intimidating, i know she doesn't intend to be. i hope to meet her in person when i go home this weekend.
steve came over today and we had a really nice talk about social expectations in the tree i climb in. it was an hour long chat about how we both set up expectations for the other person to meet in a conversation and how we despair when they don't - it makes no sense. the other isn't looking for our personal attachment and we're both not too good at getting them to desire that. i think that's the Db- in me coming out, i described him as someone who got everyone to start expressing something dormant but implicit. i'm trying to emulate Db- in that respect, but i've got a lot of work to do.
last night was shitty. i wandered around, lonely and in the first blizzard of the year. it was snowing in goddamn October. that bummed me out. i want to nap on the grass some more. i don't want to be confined indoors. i went to some vegan potluck earlier and didn't say more than a word. i couldn't leap into the conversation, i was too absorbed in listening to what others were saying. i've never been too useful in group settings and i want to work against that. i love my interpersonal skills, but it's hard to advance to that level when there are so few opportunities to spring on people like that. i had a panic attack in the shower, wrestled with the idea of suicide for the rest of the night, then cheered up when i saw the homecoming dance deserted. i was bought for one goddamn dollar at the bsu auction and i felt a lot better when i noticed that nobody even attended the thing, not a single person. then i had the impulse to read thirty pages of my biology text, i read five. then i fell asleep at 11:30. big night. i'm going to see a counselor on campus soon, if i can commit myself to it. i'll tell them that my meds aren't doing the trick and i've started whiting out a lot. they'll put me on something stronger, inevitably. i've been wondering if i'm bipolar, too. maybe they'll diagnose me as that and throw a few more prescriptions my way. i think i'm overeager to be diagnosed, like a mental condition would excuse the way i act. maybe the pills and counseling would help, but i need to find a support group here, with me, that i can depend on and can readily open up to.
steve came over today and we had a really nice talk about social expectations in the tree i climb in. it was an hour long chat about how we both set up expectations for the other person to meet in a conversation and how we despair when they don't - it makes no sense. the other isn't looking for our personal attachment and we're both not too good at getting them to desire that. i think that's the Db- in me coming out, i described him as someone who got everyone to start expressing something dormant but implicit. i'm trying to emulate Db- in that respect, but i've got a lot of work to do.
last night was shitty. i wandered around, lonely and in the first blizzard of the year. it was snowing in goddamn October. that bummed me out. i want to nap on the grass some more. i don't want to be confined indoors. i went to some vegan potluck earlier and didn't say more than a word. i couldn't leap into the conversation, i was too absorbed in listening to what others were saying. i've never been too useful in group settings and i want to work against that. i love my interpersonal skills, but it's hard to advance to that level when there are so few opportunities to spring on people like that. i had a panic attack in the shower, wrestled with the idea of suicide for the rest of the night, then cheered up when i saw the homecoming dance deserted. i was bought for one goddamn dollar at the bsu auction and i felt a lot better when i noticed that nobody even attended the thing, not a single person. then i had the impulse to read thirty pages of my biology text, i read five. then i fell asleep at 11:30. big night. i'm going to see a counselor on campus soon, if i can commit myself to it. i'll tell them that my meds aren't doing the trick and i've started whiting out a lot. they'll put me on something stronger, inevitably. i've been wondering if i'm bipolar, too. maybe they'll diagnose me as that and throw a few more prescriptions my way. i think i'm overeager to be diagnosed, like a mental condition would excuse the way i act. maybe the pills and counseling would help, but i need to find a support group here, with me, that i can depend on and can readily open up to.
i sent a- a message this weekend, confronting her with why she's been avoiding me. she said it was because of class and her work load and that she hasn't intended to avoid me. it just happened.
we talked a little about our expectations for our friendship. i've been intending a close, very personal friendship, sort of like the ones I have back home with R2-, D-, W-, and the rest. i'm trying to generate some here, but i think i'm just putting too much effort into creating them. the other person isn't looking for the same thing as i am and they expect another casual friendship, like every other one on campus. i thought we had something significant, but apparently the feeling wasn't mutual.
we haven't talked in days either. i saw her working in the veranda, so i went in to study in the hopes that she'd approach me so we could discuss this in person; i don't feel like i fully expressed myself in the message. she was studying with someone loud, so i kept to myself and read Oedipus Rex on a couch on the opposite side of the room, then fell asleep on an end table. after he left, it was just us two for a while. neither of us approached each other. i should have opened up first, i think. we pass each other on the mall and in the dining area of food service, both of us aware of the other's presence but blatantly ignoring them, staring the opposite direction or at our shoes. it's kind of funny in a really tragic way.
part of me wants to deny her the friendship that she seeks with me, since she denied the kind i want with her. it's not a part i can control.
it's strange how so much of your identity is composed of things that are completely outside of your control. i'm reading The Unnameable by Beckett right now and it's got me wrapped up in this question of action and retrospective consideration. i can't describe it. i've tried and it sounds glib. i love the book, though.
anyways. i don't want to wave at her. i don't want to stop and chat about my day with her. i don't want to see her for a long time. every time i do see her and talk with her, i'm just gaining some hope that our friendship will develop into something more substantial, and she has officially denied that that will happen, multiple times. i keep harboring hope that we'll go back to kissing and cuddling and talking about our depression problems and existentialism. and that will not happen again. so, i decided that i need to bring myself to her level. i need to stop seeing her because it depresses me to be around someone who i can't help but infatuate myself with, knowing that nothing more could ever happen with them.
i de-friended her on facebook. i need to get rid of ever trace of her around me, get rid of all the false hope. i feel like i've burned bridges with her after all this emotional vomiting. good. salted earth, burnt bridges, no way at all for me to go back. time to move the fuck on already.
we talked a little about our expectations for our friendship. i've been intending a close, very personal friendship, sort of like the ones I have back home with R2-, D-, W-, and the rest. i'm trying to generate some here, but i think i'm just putting too much effort into creating them. the other person isn't looking for the same thing as i am and they expect another casual friendship, like every other one on campus. i thought we had something significant, but apparently the feeling wasn't mutual.
we haven't talked in days either. i saw her working in the veranda, so i went in to study in the hopes that she'd approach me so we could discuss this in person; i don't feel like i fully expressed myself in the message. she was studying with someone loud, so i kept to myself and read Oedipus Rex on a couch on the opposite side of the room, then fell asleep on an end table. after he left, it was just us two for a while. neither of us approached each other. i should have opened up first, i think. we pass each other on the mall and in the dining area of food service, both of us aware of the other's presence but blatantly ignoring them, staring the opposite direction or at our shoes. it's kind of funny in a really tragic way.
part of me wants to deny her the friendship that she seeks with me, since she denied the kind i want with her. it's not a part i can control.
it's strange how so much of your identity is composed of things that are completely outside of your control. i'm reading The Unnameable by Beckett right now and it's got me wrapped up in this question of action and retrospective consideration. i can't describe it. i've tried and it sounds glib. i love the book, though.
anyways. i don't want to wave at her. i don't want to stop and chat about my day with her. i don't want to see her for a long time. every time i do see her and talk with her, i'm just gaining some hope that our friendship will develop into something more substantial, and she has officially denied that that will happen, multiple times. i keep harboring hope that we'll go back to kissing and cuddling and talking about our depression problems and existentialism. and that will not happen again. so, i decided that i need to bring myself to her level. i need to stop seeing her because it depresses me to be around someone who i can't help but infatuate myself with, knowing that nothing more could ever happen with them.
i de-friended her on facebook. i need to get rid of ever trace of her around me, get rid of all the false hope. i feel like i've burned bridges with her after all this emotional vomiting. good. salted earth, burnt bridges, no way at all for me to go back. time to move the fuck on already.
well, a- declined to bake or bike together this weekend. i'm done trying to reach out to her; it's pretty obvious that she doesn't want a significant friendship. time to move on.
i joined plentyoffish.com yesterday. it feels pretty pathetic.
i joined plentyoffish.com yesterday. it feels pretty pathetic.
good day so far. i picked up five books for $2.50 at the school's annual book sale. I'll never have time to read them, but my bookshelf looks a bit more impressive. I don't have time for anything anymore. Eh, busy's good. A- was at the book sale as well, buying things for her friends. I approached her and tried to get her to talk, but she didn't seem interested. she hasn't responded to most of my texts, so i assume she wants this relationship to fully die. i'm still upset and still feel like she arbitrarily set up a distance between us without fully explaining why she wanted to, but less so every day. i don't know what she wants from this friendship either. she usually doesn't have time to talk, apparently. and when we do meet up with each other by happenstance, all we talk about is menial drudgery, e.g. "How was your day?" "Busy." "Well that's new. Busy in Morris." That's not a conversation. I can talk like that to anyone, and I do. That's the sort of relationship you'd have with a near stranger. i'll try one last time to talk to her this weekend. if she doesn't respond or declines, then i'm done trying. if this friendship is such an effort for her to pull together, then i'll spare her the burden.
This was a pretty strange weekend. Friday night I met up in St. Cloud with R2-, N-, A3-, and D-, along with a few of their friends. I shot myself to the moon for the first time in about three weeks. I mostly just got really tired. There wasn't anything substantial to speak of. The college party scene is kind of lame, at least at SCSU. We mainly got high, met with people, got higher, talked about how high we were, then met more people, then got higher, rinse and repeat ad infinitum. R2-, N-, and I went down to the river, a terrifying place where people are routinely raped, mugged, and occasionally murdered. The whole school is terrifying at night. I'm definitely not switching there for semester two, I like being comfortable outside after 10:00pm.
I met R2-'s sort-of girlfriend, C-. She's incredibly sketchy and a huge whore. She ditched us to go to some party where she was offered meth and X, though she refused and instead just drank and drank and drank. We had to go pick her up, then she started hitting on D-, R2-'s brother. I'm legitimately afraid for my friends. I'd be really very upset if one of them was murdered.
Saturday night I met up with Cn- and his girlfriend, R-, along with D- and R2-. We went to some party with people I went to high school with who are engaged or married. I can't tell if they were incredibly mature or naive. It's not my business, I guess. We were quickly ushered down into the cement basement to smoke away from the rest of the party. We were happy enough with concrete and pot. D- and I had a pretty intimate, fantastic discussion about our respective girl situations. A drunk R- chipped in as well. I'm really glad she did, she gives great advice and I'd never had a real conversation with her prior to that. She then started talking about her job at the humane society. She killed three dogs and a handful of cats the last time she worked there. The animals have to meet a few testing criteria before they're considered for adoption, one of the trickiest being to not growl when someone intercepts their food dish. If they fail that, they get a vein-ful of cyanide. I started tearing up a bit. She's dedicated to her work, though. She knows she has to do it and has it set as just a stepping stone into her future as a vet. Fuck she's mature.
I'm back at school and am ridiculously behind in O-Chem lab. I get to go in tomorrow at 9:00am. Sad face. Eh, I like lab. I like sleep more, though. I was falling asleep in all my classes today, the first time this year that that has happened. I felt so ashamed, I couldn't control it. I got a solid seven hours of sleep the night before and ate a decent meal in the morning. I've lost like 10 pounds in the past three weeks too. R- says I probably have tapeworm. I'm guessing my diet's pretty shitty since my switch to vegetarianism. Maybe I should work on that.
I'm glazing over this A- scenario more and more every day. Pretty soon it'll be something shiny under layers of amorphous goo, just a distant particle that's not worth excavating. I want to save it, but there's nothing I can do. Time to keep letting it die.
My head feels really weird, like my brain's about to sneeze. I think it's my meds. I've been considering laying off them, being done with them altogether. Maybe.
I met R2-'s sort-of girlfriend, C-. She's incredibly sketchy and a huge whore. She ditched us to go to some party where she was offered meth and X, though she refused and instead just drank and drank and drank. We had to go pick her up, then she started hitting on D-, R2-'s brother. I'm legitimately afraid for my friends. I'd be really very upset if one of them was murdered.
Saturday night I met up with Cn- and his girlfriend, R-, along with D- and R2-. We went to some party with people I went to high school with who are engaged or married. I can't tell if they were incredibly mature or naive. It's not my business, I guess. We were quickly ushered down into the cement basement to smoke away from the rest of the party. We were happy enough with concrete and pot. D- and I had a pretty intimate, fantastic discussion about our respective girl situations. A drunk R- chipped in as well. I'm really glad she did, she gives great advice and I'd never had a real conversation with her prior to that. She then started talking about her job at the humane society. She killed three dogs and a handful of cats the last time she worked there. The animals have to meet a few testing criteria before they're considered for adoption, one of the trickiest being to not growl when someone intercepts their food dish. If they fail that, they get a vein-ful of cyanide. I started tearing up a bit. She's dedicated to her work, though. She knows she has to do it and has it set as just a stepping stone into her future as a vet. Fuck she's mature.
I'm back at school and am ridiculously behind in O-Chem lab. I get to go in tomorrow at 9:00am. Sad face. Eh, I like lab. I like sleep more, though. I was falling asleep in all my classes today, the first time this year that that has happened. I felt so ashamed, I couldn't control it. I got a solid seven hours of sleep the night before and ate a decent meal in the morning. I've lost like 10 pounds in the past three weeks too. R- says I probably have tapeworm. I'm guessing my diet's pretty shitty since my switch to vegetarianism. Maybe I should work on that.
I'm glazing over this A- scenario more and more every day. Pretty soon it'll be something shiny under layers of amorphous goo, just a distant particle that's not worth excavating. I want to save it, but there's nothing I can do. Time to keep letting it die.
My head feels really weird, like my brain's about to sneeze. I think it's my meds. I've been considering laying off them, being done with them altogether. Maybe.
i feel like i've been acting really immature lately. i think i'm done with this A- situation, all done, all packaged away. i'll be saying that forever.
I have an o-chem test in 11 hours. i should be scared. i have been doing organic chemistry for eight hours today, three hours of lab and five of studying. i think i'm ready.
MARCH was really cool. it's a pretty tight-knit group of people, all of whom i've been admiring from afar. i hope to wedge into their group. i'll have to learn to talk first, though. plus, the cause is pretty awesome, and i'll have a support group to keep me off meat.
home tomorrow. i can't wait to hug my friends. tomorrow night isn't home exactly, i guess. i'm going to r2-'s dorm for the night, apparently to have my first college party ever. i'll see what happens. alcohol usually doesn't agree with me, but if there's pot, then I'm all set. maybe i'll do the whole find-a-fling thing too. eh, that sounds lonely.
i've felt good all day. it's weird. i think that i might have to see my doctor if these mood swings keep going on. it might just be from the a- thing, but i've been up-and-down since the beginning of the year. a- just exacerbated it. exacerbate is a lovely word. i hope i used it right.
i've been playing the antler's album, Hospice, pretty much nonstop lately. i wish i understood it when i was angstier.
I have an o-chem test in 11 hours. i should be scared. i have been doing organic chemistry for eight hours today, three hours of lab and five of studying. i think i'm ready.
MARCH was really cool. it's a pretty tight-knit group of people, all of whom i've been admiring from afar. i hope to wedge into their group. i'll have to learn to talk first, though. plus, the cause is pretty awesome, and i'll have a support group to keep me off meat.
home tomorrow. i can't wait to hug my friends. tomorrow night isn't home exactly, i guess. i'm going to r2-'s dorm for the night, apparently to have my first college party ever. i'll see what happens. alcohol usually doesn't agree with me, but if there's pot, then I'm all set. maybe i'll do the whole find-a-fling thing too. eh, that sounds lonely.
i've felt good all day. it's weird. i think that i might have to see my doctor if these mood swings keep going on. it might just be from the a- thing, but i've been up-and-down since the beginning of the year. a- just exacerbated it. exacerbate is a lovely word. i hope i used it right.
i've been playing the antler's album, Hospice, pretty much nonstop lately. i wish i understood it when i was angstier.
I've decided on looking at this whole A- situation a new way. She got what she wanted from me: a night of overly romantic passion and expectations that I couldn't live up to. She got bored and found someone new to canonize. In return, I learned a bit about relationships and am more driven to go out and find one. I still feel used and I'm still all over the place, emotionally. I'm angry, then sympathetic, then pathetic, then content. I usually climax with depression and take a handful of pills to ride down on. I miss cuddling the most.
I'm switching to the environmental MPIRG group tomorrow because the people in the social justice one aren't as interesting. A- is in there too, which should be nice and awkward. Part of me wants to make her feel as bad as I have, but I know I can't punish someone for what they can't control. I hope I can find someone who will talk about Catcher in the Rye while hugging me. or, better yet, someone that will talk about Infinite Jest with me while we spoon. seriously, i'd fall in love instantly with another person who has read and understood infinite jest. not saying that i understood it all (i like to think i got a big chunk of it down), but still.
shower, then writing some more. i think this story's going to be god awful but i don't care.
I'm switching to the environmental MPIRG group tomorrow because the people in the social justice one aren't as interesting. A- is in there too, which should be nice and awkward. Part of me wants to make her feel as bad as I have, but I know I can't punish someone for what they can't control. I hope I can find someone who will talk about Catcher in the Rye while hugging me. or, better yet, someone that will talk about Infinite Jest with me while we spoon. seriously, i'd fall in love instantly with another person who has read and understood infinite jest. not saying that i understood it all (i like to think i got a big chunk of it down), but still.
shower, then writing some more. i think this story's going to be god awful but i don't care.
